Back To Life, Back To Reality ...

    I returned back to school around a week later and realized, even though I needed a break mentally, academically I was suffering. I came back to the Residence Halls, locking my emotions inside so people wouldn't feel pity for me. My basketball family signed a beautiful card for me, welcoming my return and I tried to get my life back in order. Luckily, I was doing good in most of my classes, and it was an easy load or it would have been tragic. Unfortunately, in mathematics, I not only had a teacher who couldn't teach so well, but I also had a teacher who couldn't connect with students ethically and he refused to give me extra help. I went to the classes each week trying to get back into the swing of things and I realized as I was chasing this, it kept slipping away when it was in my grasp. I couldn't hold on to it long enough to climb aboard.
    One day when I couldn't take the stress anymore I went to the tutoring center and asked for help. I started getting tutored once a week during my free time to help me get ready for my final. It was already the end of November and the semester was winding down so I knew I had an enormous amount of studying to do so I could at least pass. The day of the final came and I took it to the best of my ability. I can't remember if I left the final feeling confident, but even with tutoring I didn't feel this was my strongest comeback. See, I have a tendency of wanting to prove people wrong, and I wanted to pass that test with flying colors so the professor could look back and say, "Geez, she didn't need my help." Needless to say, I'm not sure of what I got on my final, but I passed the class with a measly C. The only C on my transcript to this day and it haunts me. 
    I always try to separate my personal life from things that need to be handled but I failed this time and it made me feel weak. The semester had come to a close and I was home for winter break. I didn't do much except go to Maryland, visit family, hang with high school friends, hang out with my boyfriend and just take time to get ready for the next semester. I knew I wanted the Spring to be 1000 times better than the fall, I made a vow to myself that it would. 

Who Would Have Thought? Surely Not I.

   As the months went by and nothing more eventful happened in my freshman year except me becoming manager of the Women's Basketball Team, a day came that I never thought would come. I remember the night before perfectly, I was with one of the players, a good friend of mine and we had a long night so I ended up staying in her room on the floor. I had a dream that someone was telling me their grandma died and for some reason I opened my eyes and looked at my phone. The crazy part is my phone was on silent and I didn't know my phone would be ringing but my stepdad called me and said, "We're outside." I didn't understand so I said, "Ok." I then looked at the time and saw it was 7:00 in the morning. When I saw the time I felt something was wrong so I woke my friend up and told her I was leaving because my family was here and I didn't feel right. She said she hoped everything was ok and I kept it moving. 
   I got to the parking lot and I saw my step-dad outside of the car smiling and my little brother in the passenger seat smiling also. This messed me up because that gave me reassurance that everything was okay. The words I heard when he hugged me wasn't what I expected to hear. He said, "She's gone, she passed away this morning." I remember falling to the ground and just crying, I didn't care who saw me. She passed away on a Thursday and I was going to visit her that Saturday. All he told me when I said this was, "You wouldn't of wanted to see her like that."
   The next couple of days were a blur, I remember meeting my mom back in NY to make the funeral plans, looking for my grandma in the funeral home that same day and my family having to keep an eye on me so I didn't run off to find her, and I remember just thinking I was in a dream.
   I had a Sociology paper due that I still found enough strength to email so I didn't miss out on too much, but I missed around a week and a half of school. My first semester of freshman year took a turn for the worse but I told myself I would keep striving to make HER happy. I got my first and only C that semester in Math because my head just wasn't there. I know I succumbed to a state of mind that was an out of body experience. I didn't do much except go to class and go back to my room. She passed away in November and there were only a few more weeks left in the semester when I returned. Who knows when the real me returned.

Communications

     So you know how I said I HATE speaking in front of people, I was shy and all of that good stuff? Well guess what class I "loved" to take my freshman year. Yup, you got it, Communications. I had a really good teacher who pushed me to be a better speaker but man did I get a knot in my stomach coming into this class the first day. I still remember our first project was to go in front of the class and talk about a memory that made us very happy. Let me remind you this was the first day, so we literally had 5 minutes to think of something cheesy and go for it. I spoke about my basketball career in high school. I was very shy, my words were shaky and I didn't make eye contact, except with my roommate who just happened to be in that class with me.
     I told them of the story about me being a bench warmer my freshman year and working hard to become a starter. My junior year was the best, I was in newspapers and my confidence was very high. I received Most Improved Player of the Year and thats the experience I spoke of. I realize when you know what your talking about, it's easier to speak without feeling uncomfortable, however, the thought of being in front of the class and people hanging on to my every word instilled fear in my little ol' heart.
     Needless to say my first day of the communications class made me realize I have to get over this fear I have, even if I'm nervous it shouldn't stop me from expressing myself. That brings me back to high school again when I moved my senior year to Upstate NY. I dropped out of an English class my Senior year because they said we had to do an oral project. Now that I look back.... How crazy of me! 

Life .... :/

I feel like this, even though I'm blogging and taking you through my life's journey, I can't forget about the present as I tap into my past. My mind has been all over the place since September 23rd and reality hit me on the 26th. Since Sunday I've been forced to face an even worse reality dealing with my grandfather. He was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreas & Liver cancer. I wouldn't be able to tap into anything that I really want to and when I do something I like to give my all. With that being said, I wouldn't be able to give my all to my blog this week. Maybe next week.

     Thursday I'll be going to visit him after class and spend the weekend with him so I'm looking forward to that. I didn't get to spend a lot of time with my grandma before she died back in '08 so I feel as if this time is essential to me at this point in time. Sorry if you were looking forward to something in my eventful freshman year, take care. :)

Oh.. Academics.

Welp, life throws curve balls at you & I definitely had one thrown at me recently so I apologize for posting so late lovely people. Lets rewind back again. The next couple of days I just tried to get to know as many people as possible and weed out the people I know I didn't need in my life. I met a few great friends during this 4 day span before classes started, whom I still hold close to my heart. At times I felt home sick, and I missed my boyfriend a lot. He had started school back in NY so I was scared about where our 2 year relationship would go. 

I was so caught up on what people thought about me during this time. I always took pride in the way I looked and how I carried myself, that's just how I was raised but I felt like in college I needed to allow myself room to grow. Anyway, classes started and I remember my beautiful schedule perfectly. I didn't have classes on Friday at all during the fall semester and my friends were jealous of me. As you may or may not know, the first day of classes start on Thursdays and I only had one class. The beautiful class all Freshman take here *Sarcastic Voice*. I made myself like the class, if thats possible. Lol. My teacher was really cool though, she was sweet. Let's remember I was still the shy little freshman girl trying to come out of my shell during this time, but I did what I had to do. My first school day ended and I proceeded about my day. I didn't have a job or anything so I went back to my room, called my mom and told her about my day. 

During the summer my grandma whom I was very close to was diagnosed with cancer so I called her also to speak to her. She always loved to know what I was doing and how I was doing, and the same went for her. I loved to make her happy so I called to tell her about my first day and tell her she had to come to my room one day and see it so I can show it off. I texted my boyfriend and spoke to him as always until my lids closed and I waited for my next adventure in college began.

When Is It Gonna End?

I wake up the next day ready to see what college is really all about. Not so much the classes yet because that isn't until next week. We had a lot of events lined up for us as freshman. I was wondering how upperclassman would treat us and how everything would go. I walked into the gym with my soon to be "official" roommate at my side. There were so many people there, sitting on the bleachers, leaning up against the wall, and crowding the door. I honestly have no idea what happened next, lol. I would be a liar to tell you the exact events of what went on in that orientation, I was bored out of my mind. I ended up leaving early, I do remember that. We acted as if we didn't get our ID's yet, and walked around the campus while they were giving a tour and then sneaked back into the building.


Later that night we had a floor meeting though, I used to be really shy and I hated the fact my RA's wanted us all to go around and introduce ourselves. When it got to the person next to me my heart started beating fast and I just wanted to go and get it over with. I said my name, where I was from, and my major. A lot of the people on my floor was undecided, which is normal. I love saying I live in New York so I said that with pride, and then I said my major which was Early Childhood Education (take note on the word "was.")
After the floor meeting we went to our rooms and I know I went to sleep early. I was over school already and classes didn't even begin. I was hoping I wouldn't have to do anything else I didn't want to do, because I already had to go to classes and thats the worse part.

So This Is College ....

       Photo obtained from http://www.auburnscene.com

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Moving Into College is always an adventure, the laughs, uneasiness, timidness and even the feeling of being excited causes a ball of emotion. I remember my first day, I moved into a room with 2 other girls. I came later than the other two so I was stuck with the bunk bed. My first reaction was, "GREAT!" -_- I sucked it up and slowly moved my things in with my mom, step-dad, and little brother. He laughed at me and said something along the lines of, "It sucks to be you, don't hit your head on the ceiling. Have fun." I wouldn't let him see me down. You know those times when you know you want to cry or scream but you laugh it off and turn it around so it makes it seem like you don't care? Yup, thats what I did. I made up lies to make myself feel better. I needed the convincing, not him. He didn't care, he was going back to his cozy bed, one that wasn't high up in the sky.

I won't say which year I'm in now that'll come later, but lets just say I'm happy with my living situation. Anywho, lets fast forward through the day. Lets skip me not being able to find Wal-Mart and the GPS saying recalculating every 2 minutes and me having to get my drinks from Staples. Staples doesn't sell drinks so you know the price was twice the amount I would get at Wal-Mart. Anyway, my family went on their way, my mom shed a few tears and that was that. I was officially a college freshman, living on my own. While packing my things away I remembered a girl I met, we'll name her Brittany. I went to her room to see how she was living.  Upon entering I saw she didn't have a roommate. I became excited because there was only one of her in a two person bedroom. I didn't make my sudden happiness apparent, I just asked where her roommate was. She then said she didn't have one. If my pupils could change into, lets say stars to show how happy I was, they would have. Within five minutes she asked me to move in with her because she saw it was three of me, in a room meant for two people.


Room switch day was 7 days after we first moved in, I was already on it. I gradually moved my things into the other room during those 7 days and I rarely slept in my old room. Nothing against my roommate, I just couldn't live in a cluttered room. When I officially moved in, the day couldn't of been better. I left my old roommates a little note saying goodbye and went on my merry way. They probably were happy too. I know I would be. 


The first night consisted of hanging out with other freshman, going to the cafeteria and trying non-homemade cooked food for the first time. After that, going to the bathroom because my stomach wasn't used to it. Then finally going to sleep and getting ready for a 20329322 hour(it wasn't that long, just felt like it) orientation the next day.